Cabarrus Cheap Seats

In a poll released last week by the North Carolina Center for Voter Education, more NC Voters could identify recent American Idol winner Carrie Underwood than they could Attorney General Roy Cooper.

In their article, they postulate that public financing would take the pressure off of candidates; but I have another idea. A review of the polling data suggests that being “The American Idol” gets you 6 more points of recognition with the average NC Voter than being Attorney General does. What if we scrapped the current primary system where a mere 11% of Cabarrus County voters showed up at the last primary, and held a multi-week variety show, American Idol-style on local TV?

Think about the election in 2006, instead of the same old candidate forums and the short-answer voter guides in the paper, we could get to know the candidates. Obviously, from judging the 2000-2004 results, Cabarrus voters didn’t care that their county commission couldn’t balance a budget without blowing through capital savings and nearly doubling the debt. There’s got to be something else that the voters want. So, this contest won’t all be facts.

At first, there will be a talent section. Can you imagine what the possible candidates would choose? Here are some of my predictions:

Former commissioner Richard “Daddy” Suggs - keeping good on his comeback promise will belt out some of his favorite Toby Keith songs reminding the voters that, even though a couple of years have passed and there’s not so much fund balance to blow through - he’s “as good once as he ever was”

Current Chair Carolyn Carpenter - hoping to beat her streak of single terms and facing criticism for raising taxes, thus truly balancing the budget for the first time in the 21st Century, goes “old-school” giving a heartfelt rendition of Gloria Naylor’s “I Will Survive”

School Board Incumbents Liz Poole and Grace Mynatt - Both voter favorites and survivor of bouts with the Cabarrus County Board of commissioners remind the voters, in a soulful duet, that there “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”

Of course, it would be wholly cynical to believe that the voters would base their opinions completely on the performance. Naturally, a chance for the candidates to speak about the issues would give this whole thing the shred of legitimacy and attract current American Idol judges to offer insight not only to the talent section, but to the Stump Speech section.

Here’s some highlights of the Coy Privette Stump Speech segment.

Coy Privette on the Budget: The people of Cabarrus County have been burdened with an unacceptable tax rate brought along by the unwillingness of the other board members to keep the county budget within the current tax revenues and what we have left in our fund balances. We don’t need to save money for schools, because everyone in Cabarrus County is getting older and they will all be out of school soon…
Coy Privette on the County Attorney: The County has spent nearly a mi-ll-ion dollars over a decade to employ the services of a County Attorney who lost a settlement that he can’t comment on due to attorney-client privilege, but I’ll be happy to put my own spin on it…Coy Privette on School Construction: In 1998, the prestigious Cabarrus Taxpayers Association fought saving for schools with today’s tax dollars for the schools of tomorrow. Instead, we decided to look forward by borrowing $110 million all on our own; because the kids ought to pay for their own schools. I’ve said it before, ‘… if you create a problem, you should pay for its solution‘. The residents of the future will be well-educated and easily be able to pay off the debt created from the schools they studied in…Coy Privette on School Construction:Coy Privette on the Role of the County Manager: In the Bible, Pharaoh told the Hebrews to make bricks without straw; and with the right motivation - they got it done. The entire job of a County Commissioner is not to come up with money-saving ideas, but to set the tax rate so the staff will figure it out. If we set the rate at a level just high enough to meet all of our mandated requirements, the staff can get creative and figure out how to make the rest happen…The Judges
Randy Jackson: Dog! You know you’re one of my favorites. I love that old preacher style! Old-school…that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Your performance is a little weak on the technical points, though. It’s pretty hard to claim that you practiced “Revenue Based” budgeting when the County Commission hasn’t kept annual spending below the tax revenues over the past few years. Go ahead and work on that. Good performance though.