Cabarrus Cheap Seats

I applaud Coy Privette’s move to make English the official language of Cabarrus County. As the most studied language in the world, it happens to be the most misunderstood. Every English speaker thinks they speak English and they understand it; but they really don’t. With English as our official language, getting around Cabarrus County will be easier for me and others who “talk right”. Here are some thoughts.My family moved from Atlanta after I was born, I spent my formative years raised as “Southerner-In-Exile” in places like Baltimore, Detroit, and Toledo. While I have that Midwest “gee ya really talk too fast” tone to my voice, I was the only kid in the neighborhood who had to use “sir” and “m’am” on a regular basis. Now that we are abandoning the local “Foxworthian” English that I’ve come to love and my wife insists teaching to our son, maybe we can adopt much needed changes. Here are some thoughts:

• English has no distinctive second-person plural pronoun. Officially, it’s “you”; but around here it’s “y’all” or the inclusive “all y’all”. I propose that, officially, we start using the more popular “you guys” or “youse guys” as it is in more common use around the country.
• Property tax is too broad of a definition, and it’s a mouthful to define a rate. I propose that we start referring to it as a “millage”, and move from the cumbersome 0.628 per $100 to 6.28 mills. Much easier to understand.
• Now that we are officially embracing xenophobia, we ought to make the bevy of lawsuits that we’re going to get worth it. For starters, I propose banning all commonly mispronounced words from menus. Start with near anything on the list at the local Greek place. “Tzatziki” - come on, buy a vowel or better yet call it “Greek Dippin’ Sauce”. Then lets move on the the target audience - the Mexicans. They can start by dropping the second “l” in “tortilla” - making it just “tortila” which is how most folks say it around here anyway. Let’s not just take away, let’s add. For “flan” with the short “a”, let’s add another “a” and make it “flaan” so we’re not completely butchering the Spanish tongue we use the long “a” sound.

Of course, I’m sure others will have suggestions on changes to be made to the local language as we move into to this brave, new world of Know Nothingism. Unfortunately - because of state and federal mandates on communicating with significant portions of the non-English-speaking population - Coy Privette’s resolution will make no practical difference on communications from the local government. It will only placate the racist tendencies of the knuckle-draggers that support him; and it doesn’t need to be adopted to have it’s desired affect.